


I Will Love You Anyway

by taqarat



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Christmas, College Student Adam Parrish, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-28
Packaged: 2020-12-16 07:17:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21032363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taqarat/pseuds/taqarat
Summary: “Do you think you’ll ever go back to the Barns?” Adam asked.“Maybe. Probably. It will have to be when I can go and make it mine. I can’t do it where…. where I'm trying to replicate how it was when I was a kid. But maybe…maybe when I have a family of my own.”Adam’s heart ached a little. He couldn’t tell if it was for Ronan or himself.“What about you? How come you didn’t go home for Christmas?” Ronan asked.Adam took a measured breath. “Henrietta isn’t home.”“Where is?”Adam chanced a glance at Ronan and found him already looking back. He turned back towards the river. “Don’t know. Haven’t found it yet, I guess.”





	1. December 21

“Hey, Gansey,” Adam huffed into his pathetically dated cell phone. He tried to sound upbeat but he’d just lugged a duffle bag of clothes and a backpack full of books up two flights of stairs.

“Hey, tiger,” Gansey responded and it wasn’t clear if it was meant to be funny. “Just wanted to make sure you got in okay.”

“Yep. Just got here.” Adam pushed the door open with the same shoulder that was pinning the phone to his ear and pulled the key from the lock. Heaving a deep breath, he took in his first look at Gansey’s flat. The ceilings were high and sunlight filtered in from the bay window that looked over the street. Adam inhaled. It smelled of books and mint and dust and money. The furniture was refined but worn and homey at the same time. It was very, very much Gansey.

“The plants are in the window at the front. Thanks again for taking care of them for me.”

Adam rolled his eyes. As if staying in Gansey’s spacious Boston brownstone over winter break instead of in the all-but-vacant dorms was a hardship. “I just hope I can handle the responsibility,” he deadpanned. “Enjoy your time with your family.”

Gansey heaved a long sigh. “I'll try. See you on the 1st.” They both said their goodbyes and hung up.

Adam set his bags down to look around and tamped down a pang of jealousy. it wasn’t about the cost of the place, although he was hyperaware that he wouldn’t be able to afford a flat like this for decades. It was more about how _Gansey_ it was. How a home could reflect a person so perfectly. Adam tried briefly to imagine a place that looked on the outside like he was on the inside. His imaginings were not kind. 

He found himself pulled to the rear of the flat, past a bathroom, to find a large, messy bedroom that looked over the back alley. This was clearly Ronan’s room. Adam didn’t know Ronan well but the black clothes scattered across the floor and the large, empty bird cage in the corner gave it away. He was tempted to explore the room. He’d always been curious about the angry, shaved headed boy even though they’d only attended Aglionby together for a short time. Adam had arrived as a junior and Ronan dropped out less than a year later. The overlap had been a time when Adam was keeping his head down, trying to just get by at the school without attracting too much attention. By the time he’d found the space to look up, Ronan was gone and the rest of the school had lost interest in the novelty of the scholarship kid. So he’d plowed through the rest of his time there, largely friendless, until he was able to leave Henrietta behind for good. 

He hadn’t even really known Gansey while attending Aglionby although they’d shared many classes. It wasn’t until orientation at Harvard four months ago that they’d really gotten to know one another. Gansey had spotted him the first day and charged right up with a huge smile. Adam had been less than enthusiastic in his response. He hadn’t wanted his past to haunt him here. And while Gansey hadn’t been told about Adam’s home life and emancipation at 17, he was well aware of his economic status and probably had some suspicions about the poorly concealed bruises he had sometimes sported.

But Gansey never mentioned any of that. Instead he’d reminded him that Adam had schooled him in latin every day and then introduced him around as the smartest kid in his graduating class. As much as he’d shied away from him, Adam had found that Gansey’s friendship was hugely beneficial those first few weeks when Adam was meeting new people. With his reserved and somewhat cold tendencies, he might have been as lonely at Harvard as he’d been at Aglionby without Gansey’s interference. But even more important, and to Adam’s enormous surprise, their friendship became something genuine not too long after.

So now, here Adam was, housesitting the flat Gansey shared with Ronan while they spent the holidays with their respective families. The flat was well off campus so despite their close friendship, Adam had never seen the place. Now his plan was to enjoy a dozen days to get ahead on reading, work some extra shifts at the book store, and pretend he belonged in this beautiful apartment in this trendy part of town.

That plan lasted less than a day. 

In the wee hours of the following morning, Adam was woken from a fitful sleep by the sound of the front door violently hitting the wall, muttered cursing and the unmistakeable squawk of a semi-house trained raven.

Adam emerged from Gansey’s bedroom rubbing the sleep from his eyes to find Ronan shrugging off his pet bird and wrestling a duffle bag through the door.

“Jesus, Parrish, you gave me a heart attack.”

Adam was a little surprised Ronan knew his name so readily. They’d only crossed paths once since he’d moved to Boston as Ronan was not attending Harvard or any college as far as he knew.

“Sorry?” Adam replied although he was pretty sure he hadn’t done anything wrong.

“I forgot you were staying here,” Ronan grumbled.

“Yeah well, Gansey said you’d be in Virginia for the holidays,” he responded, trying not to sound defensive.

Ronan’s expression turned dark. “Change of plans.”

“I uh….I can leave in the morning,” Adam offered as he tamped down his worry. The deadline for requesting to stay in the dorms over the break had long passed. 

Ronan tucked his chin in, confused. “Why?” he scoffed.

“Gansey won’t need me to housesit if you’re going to be here.”

Ronan shook his head and headed toward the kitchen. “Do I look like I'm going to babysit his fucking mint plants?”

Adam hesitated. He very much wanted to stay but not if it put Ronan out at all. He didn’t want any favors.

Ronan poked his head back into the hall as if sensing his dilemma. “Stay Parrish. It’s Christmas,” his voice was low.

Adam raised his brows at the surprising sentimentality

Ronan scowled before turning away again. “Or don’t. Who the fuck cares.” But the set of his shoulders suggested he cared quite a lot.

Adam stayed.


	2. December 22

Adam worked the next day and didn’t see Ronan before he left in the morning. He stopped at a grocery store to pick up some food for dinner on his way back. Gansey called again just as he was putting the key in the lock.

“Hi Gansey,” he huffed, once again winded from the stairs.

“Hey. Is Ronan there by chance?”

Adam closed the door and peered around until he found Ronan in the kitchen.

“Yeah. He’s here. He showed up early this morning.”

Ronan appeared to be putting his own groceries in the fridge and he turned to raise his eyebrows at Adam.

“May I speak with him, please?” Gansey asked.

Ronan couldn’t have heard the request but he must’ve anticipated it anyway because he shook his head no. Adam wasn’t about to be put in the middle. His loyalties were to Gansey. He put the phone on speaker and placed it on the kitchen island. “Here he his.You’re on speaker.” Ronan rolled his eyes dramatically and Adam turned to unpack his groceries while hiding a smirk. 

“Ronan, I’ve been trying to get ahold of you for hours.”

“I turned my phone off,” Ronan grumbled unapologetically, head back in the fridge.

“Declan says you cancelled Christmas at the Barns with no explanation.”

Ronan heaved a big sigh. Adam felt a little bad for eavesdropping on the conversation, but Ronan could simply take the phone into his room if he wanted privacy.So Adam busied himself getting pots and pans out to make his dinner and acted like he had no investment in the words being spoken.

“Ronan, what happened?” Gansey continued. "I thought you were excited to do Christmas again with your brothers at the Barns.”

Adam watched Ronan from the corner of his eye. His whole posture changed and Adam felt like he was seeing behind the curtain of the almighty Oz. Ronan closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against the fridge. “I couldn’t do it, Gans.” His voice was low and wrecked. “I started getting all the Christmas shit out and…and it was like a sad imitation, you know? It felt like a fucking mockery of what we used to have. I just… I just couldn’t.”

Gansey gave that admission the space it deserved. After a few quiet moments he gently asked, “what about Matthew?”

Ronan took another deep breath. “He’s fine. I talked to him. He’s on a ski trip with some friends and was only going to come down for a day anyway. He’ll be fine.” It sounded like he was trying to convince himself as much as Gansey.

“Should I come back?” Gansey asked.

Ronan glanced over at Adam for the first time since the conversation began. Adam ducked his head and added salt to the pan of water he’d put on the stove.

“Nah. I'll be fine,” Ronan answered. “I'm going to pick up some shifts at the restaurant to stay busy. And Parrish is here to keep me company.” Adam’s head whipped up of it’s own accord. Ronan responded with a sharp smile and Adam couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic. He put more salt in the water.

Gansey’s distant voice broke the tension. “Okay. How much of this do you want me to tell Declan?”

Ronan turned away again. “Tell him whatever you want…… and tell him….tell him I'm sorry.”

Adam tuned out the conversation after that. Goodbyes were probably exchanged. Calls were ended. Adam tried to make sense of the tough, cool Ronan from Aglionby and the Ronan that had just exposed a side of himself that Adam had never thought possible.

A memory of an interaction with Ronan from high school hit him unexpectedly. Adam had been eating his lunch and studying under a tree alone in a quiet corner of campus. Just as he was finishing up the back door of a nearby building had opened and three jocks stepped out, harassing a smaller freshman. They pushed him up against the wall and while Adam couldn’t make out what they were saying, the threatening tone was clear. Adam, to this day, was ashamed of his reaction. He’d thought about interfering but chose instead to mind his own business. He hadn’t felt back then like he could afford to put his neck on the line for anybody else.

But, before it could get really bad, Ronan had unexpectedly stepped out of his BMW parked close by. Adam hadn’t seen him there but Ronan must’ve had a clear view of him and the nearby events. Ronan scared off the bullies in less than 10 seconds and Adam had been startled out of his own shame when he’d witnessed the careful way Ronan had spoken to the freshman and helped him recover from the encounter. They’d made eye contact when it was just the two of them left but both Adam and Ronan had been too embarrassed to do anything more than nod at each other.

Adam was pulled out of his reverie a few minutes later.

“What’re you making?” Ronan asked.

“Spaghetti. There’ll be plenty if you want some.”

Ronan picked up the can of tomato sauce and read the ingredients with a disbelieving sneer on his face. “You’re making it with this?”

“Yeah?” Adam tried not to get defensive. He’d already warred with himself in the aisle of the grocery store over the cost. He just hadn’t been able to convince himself that the $1.29 jar of tomato sauce was going to be appreciated by Adam any more than the 59 cent can. He was more than a little embarrassed that 70 cents could still send him into a personal crisis. 

“Yeah, fuck no. If we’re making spaghetti we’re doing it right.”

Adam was about to argue. About to say _I’m_ the one cooking here, who said anything about _we_. But there was a spark in Ronan’s eye that wasn’t there when he was talking about his family.

So instead he said with mock offense, “I spent 59 cents on that can. You think you can do better?”

“I think a one-armed, blind folded monkey can do better than that,” Ronan replied.

Adam stepped away from the stove and held up his hands in a ‘show me what you got’ gesture.

Ronan pushed up his sleeves and raised his brows in a ‘just you wait’ gesture.

Ronan cooked. Adam watched and taunted and teased. Ronan met every jab with a pointed comeback of his own and kept cooking. Really well. There were so many things going into the sauce pan that Adam was dizzy from the delicious smells. Before too long the meal was ready and Adam turned on the tv to find a movie to watch while Ronan dished up the food. He quickly settled on an admittedly cheesy Christmas movie but he didn’t know their tv system well and was impatient to eat. Ronan set two plates on the coffee table and threw himself down on the couch beside him. 

“Yeah we’re not watching this,” Ronan stated, picking up the remote and scanning through the channels.

Adam shook his head and tried not to let on how amused he was by Ronan’s gruffness. “Is this going to be our thing?” Adam asked

Ronan reeled back with a confused look. “What do you mean?” His voice was defensive but there was a slight tint to his cheeks that Adam didn’t think was from the cooking.

“I start something for myself, something _I_ like, and you interrupt to tell me how bad it is?”

Ronan visibly slipped back on some of his bravado. “Doesn’t have to be. You could develop better taste and save me the trouble of having to educate you.”

Adam laughed and hit him with a pillow before reaching for his plate of food.

Ronan sneered back but Adam could just see through it enough to know that he was pleased, too.


	3. December 23

The next night Adam huffed back up the stairs after a late shift at the bookstore. The nauseating sound of ‘Santa Baby’ echoed obnoxiously through the foyer from somewhere upstairs. Just as he was slipping his borrowed key into the lock of Gansey’s flat a blond head appeared over the railing above. “Gansey?”

Before he could respond the door in front of him swung open violently and Ronan’s glowering form hovered in front of him.

“Oh, you’re not Gansey,” the glamorous woman on the stairs continued. “You’ll do though. Hi, Ronan.” She winked in a cartoonishly provocative way. “We’re having a little shindig tonight. You boys should stop by.”

Adam was embarrassingly dumbfounded. Was this real? Did middle-aged women really blatantly solicit younger men in the foyer of their apartment building? His jaw may have been hanging open for a moment too long.

“Fuck no, we’re busy,” Ronan barked. He then tugged Adam inside the apartment and slammed the door. It still took Adam a few long moments to process it all.

“God. You’re such an asshole,” he said, completely failing to keep the admiration out of his tone.

Ronan scoffed self-righteously. “Did you want to go?”

“No, but I could have turned her down a little more politely.”

“Fuck polite. She’s married and still hits on every guy in the building. It’s disgusting.”

“What. Older women aren’t your thing?”

”Cheaters aren’t my thing.” He turned away then muttered under his breath, “or women in general.” 

Before Adam could process that statement and maybe follow up with a clarification question, someone upstairs cranked up the volume on the speaker. ‘Rocking Around the Christmas Tree’ echoed through the floor.

“Fucking hell!” Ronan shouted toward the ceiling. Then, to Adam, “let’s get out of here.”

Ten minutes later they were both strolling along the Charles River in the dark. It was a cold, clear night that made Adam feel more awake and alive than he had all day. They strolled along in a comfortable silence for a while before Adam let his curiosity take over. “So. How’d you end up here?” 

“There was this super bougie party in my building and I…”

“In Boston, asshole.”

Ronan smirked, picked up a stone. and tossed it from one palm to another. Adam thought maybe he’d crossed a line, asking personal questions. Just when he was about to say ‘never mind, none of my business,’ Ronan threw the stone high and far over the water. As they waited for the splash Ronan shrugged. "I followed Gansey here.” He said it with no shame, no embarrassment.

“I have to say I don’t quite get you two.”

“We’re not dating.”

“No, I know. Even as best friends though….”

Ronan picked up another stone contemplatively. “He _knows_ me.” Then he shrugged again. “I know him.” He launched that stone into the air too.

He said _know_ in a way that meant something more. And that made sense to Adam. Both Ronan and Gansey put on a mask for the world. Ronan’s in the form of his shaved head and tattoo. Gansey in his placid smile and cultured demeanor. Every person they met had a preconceived notion about who they were. Now that Adam had gotten to know both of them he could see that underneath the masks they were quite different. He imagined that being known like that would mean a lot.

As he thought about it he became aware that Ronan was watching him carefully. He may play at nonchalance but he clearly cared about what Adam thought of that statement. Adam gave a shy smile and nodded in understanding. 

They walked a bit farther.

Adam was feeling a bit drunk on the tidbits of information Ronan was imparting. He was greedy for more. “Was Henrietta so bad?”

Ronan didn’t answer right away. He veered off the path to sit on a nearby bench and looked at his feet. Adam sat beside him. They were away from any streetlights and sheltered from the moon so they couldn’t see each other’s faces at all. Still, Adam couldn’t help looking at his sharp profile in silhouette.

“You heard about my dad…” Ronan finally said in a gruff voice.

“Yeah.” Adam had. It had been all the gossip at school and around Henrietta for months. Murder was big news in the small town.

“My mom… she wasn’t the same after. We had to put her in a home. She needed constant care but, she wasn’t getting better there. I thought… I thought if I could just bring her back home to the Barns that she’d get better. That I’d get better. Everyone warned me against it but I was so sure I could do it. So I dropped out of school and tried. I tried…really hard.”

Ronan was silent for a while. Adam waited.

“It didn’t work. She got worse. They took her back to the home and I…I got worse too. It got pretty bad. When Gansey got into college here he convinced me to come with. Fresh start or whatever.”

“Was it? A fresh start?”

“Yeah. It’s been good for me. I’m not…I don’t… I have shit I care about now and…fuck.”

He was clearly frustrated at the futility of words. But Adam got it. Still, he couldn’t help but tease. “Right… and fuck.” He was sure Ronan could hear the smile in his voice.

“Asshole,” Ronan mumbled but knocked his shoulder into Adam’s playfully. They sat and looked at the water for a long time, just enjoying the night and each other’s company. 

Eventually the mood shifted from playful to contemplative again.

“Do you think you’ll ever go back to the Barns?” Adam asked.

“Maybe. Probably. It will have to be when I can go and make it mine. I can’t do it where…. where I'm trying to replicate how it was when I was a kid. But maybe…maybe when I have a family of my own.”

Adam’s heart ached a little. He couldn’t tell if it was for Ronan or himself.

“What about you? How come you didn’t go home for Christmas?” Ronan asked.

Adam took a measured breath. “Henrietta isn’t home.”

“Where is?”

Adam chanced a glance at Ronan and found him already looking back. He turned back towards the river. “Don’t know. Haven’t found it yet, I guess.”

Gansey called again as they entered the apartment. It was like he had an eery sixth sense for when the key entered the lock. Ronan rolled his eyes, spun on his heel and waved over his shoulder as he headed to his bedroom. The wave of disappointment that hit Adam was too scary to name. He belatedly tuned back into what Gansey was saying.

“I’m sorry you have to put up with Ronan. He can be difficult to ….well to tolerate.”

“It’s fine,” Adam responded. “More than fine. It’s been pretty nice actually.” With Ronan safely in his room and Gansey safely in D.C. he allowed himself a shy smile.

“Nice?” Gansey responded. “Ronan Lynch is being nice? Are you sure you have the right apartment? Unit 3? Go check the door.”

Adam’s smile grew embarrassingly fond. “I didn’t say _he’s_ nice. He’s very Ronan as always. The company’s been nice I guess.”

Gansey hummed skeptically.“Maybe I should come back.”

Adam rolled his eyes, still decidedly in the fond category. “We’re fine Gansey. I'll see you on the first.”


	4. December 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: mention of past abuse but not descriptive in any way. some unwarranted self-hatred.

Adam, (post-trailer-park-Adam), prided himself on being ruled by logic alone. There was a time in his life, a good portion of it really, when instinct played a huge role. And it had served him well for the large part. He’d survived. He’d gotten out. But now he had the luxury of setting aside the baser instincts. He could contemplate his reactions, think through his emotions, weigh the pros and cons of each decision. Not many would understand that fundamental shift in how he approached life but Adam appreciated it on a molecular level.

And then there were times when instinct reared its ugly head. It didn’t happen often but Adam had learned that it rarely served him well. The lizard brain part of him that he’d needed as a kid didn’t mesh well with ivy league life.And that next night, Christmas Eve, his instincts would bite him in the ass not once, but twice.

Ronan was cooking for them. Adam was….happy. It took him ten solid minutes to figure out what emotion he was feeling. He could describe it, barely. He felt light, quick to smile, easy to laugh. And for once he wasn’t thinking about what he needed to get done the next day to survive. He was in the moment and he was happy.

Ronan seemed happy too. He was in is element in his kitchen, stirring this, adding spices to that. Paying close attention to the food but also, Adam couldn’t help but notice, paying attention to him. Adam was watching him cook but a lot of the time, Ronan was watching back. He’d flash his sharp smile when Adam joked with him and on more then one occasion Adam had gotten him to blush in the most endearing way. It was intoxicating.

Ronan had planned the Christmas Eve meal and bought the ingredients. Adam had pitched in by buying a pie for dessert from his favorite bakery. Ronan had explained what he was making, shown off the ingredients, but Adam had only feigned interest. He didn’t care what they ate, as long as he could watch Ronan cook it.

When things were just about ready, Ronan offered him a taste of the sauce. Adam was sitting on the counter and when Ronan passed the spoon to him it spilled on Adam’s leg. Ronan grabbed a towel and tried to wipe it up. He was dabbing rather close to a certain part of Adam’s anatomy and before Adam could interfere, Ronan seemed to realize what he was doing. He glanced up at Adam’s face with a pretty blush dusting across his cheeks.

In a moment of spontaneity, Adam kissed Ronan. 

If he’d been using the logical part of his brain he wouldn’t have kissed him out of the blue like that. He’d have asked first or at least been slow enough about it that Ronan could’ve made the choice too. His logical brain also would’ve understood that when Ronan reeled back it was in surprise, not disgust. That when he gasped out ‘fuck’ and lifted his hand it was because he’d burned it on the pan behind him and not because he was winding up to hit Adam.

But Adam’s instincts had taken over. He’d kissed him in a moment of unplanned passion. And then? And then like the damaged freak he was, he’d thrown an arm over his head and ducked away when Ronan raised his hand. He was still cowering defensively away from Ronan, adrenaline pumping, when his brain caught up and realized how fucked up that reaction had been. Ronan was looking at him with utter confusion and shock. 

The wave of shame that hit Adam next nearly brought him to his knees. “Fuck,” he huffed. “Sorry… I’m s.. sorry.” He let instinct make the call one last time and rushed for the door, just barely hearing Ronan call his name over his hunched shoulders.

The adrenaline carried him two blocks away before he realized he’d left without a coat. He was freezing and his cheeks were wet and he was having a hard time getting his heart to slow down to a regular rhythm. He ducked into an alcove at the entrance to a closed store and forced himself to catch his breath and _think_.

That just let the shame catch back up. God he was such a fuck up. Why did he even pretend that he could behave like a normal person? He was bound to be haunted by his past no matter what college he attended or at what fancy address he stayed. Every time he closed his eyes he saw the disgusted look on Ronan’s face.

Adam stayed in that alcove shivering in his anguish and self hatred for far too long. He was shaken free by a group of drunk people coming out of the bar across the street. They linked arms and stumbled up the street singing ‘baby please come home’ obnoxiously loud. 

Adam took a few long, deep breaths and forced the logical part of his brain to take back over. The thought of facing Ronan again was loathsome so he wracked his brain for other options. The dorms were closed. Even if he could talk himself into forking over the cost of a hotel, he’d left without his wallet, his phone. Everyone he knew from school had left the city for the holidays. He finally accepted that he had no choice but to go back to Gansey’s flat.

He opened the door as soundlessly as he could then paused to listen for Ronan. He carefully peered into the kitchen but to his relief found it empty. The food Ronan had been cooking was still on the stove, now cold and congealed. Their glasses were smashed to bits in the sink. Confident that he was alone, Adam spent the next half hour cleaning up the mess, his punishment for fucking up so badly.

There was still no sign of Ronan when he finally threw himself into Gansey’s bed, doomed to reenact the events in his brain for the rest of the night.

Ronan opened his door an hour later, his tense form silhouetted in the hall light.

“There you are, Parrish. I've been looking all over for you.”

Adam didn’t know what to say. “Is your hand okay?”

“Yeah,” Ronan huffed dismissively. “It’s fine.” He hesitated a moment longer then crossed the room to sit on the bed with his back to Adam. He hunched over, his elbows on his knees, his hands wrapped around the back of his neck. Adam longed to reach out and run his fingers over his tense muscles.

“I wasn’t going to hit you,” Ronan said, barely more than a whisper in the quiet room.

“I know.”

“It didn’t seem like you knew. What kind of person do you think I am?”

“It wasn’t about you.”

Ronan scoffed angrily.

“Look Ronan, that reaction had nothing to do with who you are and everything to do with who I am. Who I come from.”

“I don’t understand.”

“My dad….he….” Adam couldn’t finish the sentence but he saw when Ronan grasped what he was trying to say anyway. The tense set of Ronan’s shoulders seemed to deflate and his head dropped heavily in defeat.

“Jesus,” Ronan whispered. Then, “Christ.”

Adam braced himself for more questions, for pity. 

Instead, after several minutes Ronan asked, “why did you kiss me?”

“Can we just pretend that didn’t happen?”

“I don’t want to pretend.”

“Haven’t I humiliated myself enough for one night?”

"I'm not trying to…” Ronan huffed out an exasperated breath. “I just need to know why.”

“I miscalculated the situation, okay?”

Ronan was quiet for a long moment. “No, you didn’t.”

Adam paused and tried to figure out if he’d heard correctly. “I didn’t?”

“Fuck, Adam. If you did it because you were lonely or because you were horny or because you could tell I liked you and you were just fucking curious or something then fine. We can pretend this whole night never happened. I just …you hardly know me and …. I need to know why.”

Adam took a minute to process all of that and think about his response. The only thing he could say was, “I guess I didn’t think it through.”

“Okay.” Ronan took a long deep breath then stood, his back still to Adam. “Okay. Merry Christmas, Parrish.” He didn’t sound mad or sad, just really tired.

Adam didn’t sleep that night. He kept thinking about Ronan’s question. Why _did_ he kiss him? The spontaneity and rashness were completely outside of his character. He couldn’t for the life of him think of a logical answer. What he did know was that it wasn’t for the reasons Ronan had guessed. It wasn’t because he was lonely. In fact Adam had felt less lonely that past week than probably any time in his life. And it wasn’t just because he was horny, although a sharp stab of want hit him every time Ronan blushed. Or cooked. Or breathed. He kept dwelling on the last part of what Ronan had said. ‘You could tell I liked you and you were just fucking curious.’ That wasn’t the reason either but the implications made his heart and mind race even more.


	5. December 25

As the early light of Christmas morning made its way through the slats of the blinds, Adam gave up on sleep altogether. He bundled up and slipped out into the quiet street. There was a market he’d seen just a few blocks away that claimed to be open 24 hours. He wasn’t sure if Christmas counted but it was worth a try. He was pleasantly surprised.

The flat was empty when he returned so he retreated to Gansey’s room to warm back up. An hour later he heard Ronan come in and got up to watch him silently from the bedroom doorway. Ronan was dressed in a suit, his tie loosened and askew, his eyes red rimmed. Adam watched him open a cupboard above the fridge and pull out a whiskey bottle. He set it on the island and leaned heavily on his arms, staring it down. 

Adam was used to spending Christmas alone. He’d planned on it and preferred it to the claustrophobic ones of his childhood. But Ronan was supposed to be with his brothers in his beloved childhood home. He probably had memories of a dozen joyous Christmas mornings with his family. And what little happiness and comfort the two of them had scrounged together in the past few days had been ruined by Adam the night before. He wanted desperately to make it right.

Adam straightened up, cleared his throat and walked into the kitchen.

Ronan looked surprised to see him. “I thought you left.”

“Just went shopping. You?” Adam asked.

“Mass.”

Adam squeezed past Ronan and got out the pie from the night before. Ronan stood back to make room. 

He placed two slices on the island and removed the alcohol as casually as possible. When Ronan sat at one of the stools, Adam joined him while placing a large gift bag beside his plate.

“What’s this?” Ronan asked.

“A Christmas present, Lynch. It’s a tradition practiced in much of the world.”

“I didn’t get you anything.”

“This is for me too. We can share it.”

Ronan looked skeptical but opened it anyway. He pulled out the full Harry Potter compact disc set, a bag of popcorn, and a shit ton of candy. Thank god for eclectic convenience stores with outrageous hours.

“I figured we could binge the whole series today,” Adam offered casually.

Ronan huffed out a small relieved laugh. “Yeah. Yeah, that sounds perfect.”

They watched the first four of the movies and made themselves sick on candy. By early evening Adam felt disgusting. 

“I need to move,” he groaned. “I need real food.”

“I have an idea.” Ronan said as he stretched his impossibly long body up off the couch. “Come on.”

Adam followed him through the nearly empty streets for about a mile without question. It just felt good to be outside. Eventually Ronan ducked up an alley and pulled some keys out of his pocket. 

“Is this the restaurant?” Adam asked.

“Don’t judge it by its fucking uptight, fancy-ass dining room. The kitchen is awesome. And…” he pushed open the back door with a grunt, ”it’s closed for Christmas.”

Adam had never been in a commercial kitchen before. Had never been in a restaurant even half that nice. He was only mildly surprised at how at home Ronan appeared there. He’d cranked up some terrible music, pulled out ingredients that Adam would be hard pressed to identify, and started cooking with a sharp grin on his face.

“How’d you end up working here?” Adam asked from his perch on the counter.

“I’d just moved here with Gansey. Didn’t know anyone and he was busy with school all the time. It was late summer and fucking hot so when I’d get antsy I’d go out and walk at night. I was walking up that alley really late one night and the back door was open. The kitchen staff was cleaning up and were blasting punk music. Everyone was loud and brash and… I was standing in the doorway, sort of mesmerized when the head chef saw me. He asked if I was there about the job and I figured, fuck it. I’ve got nothing better to do. I started as a dishwasher that night but they train everybody to work their way up. I’ve learned a ton since I started.”

Later, after they’d eaten their dinner while seated shoulder to shoulder on the stainless steel counter. As they were digesting the best food Adam had ever tasted in his life. After they’d cleaned up and locked the restaurant back up, they began the quiet walk home.

Adam wanted to thank Ronan. He wanted to tell him that that had been the best Christmas of his life but he didn’t know how to say it without it sounding pitiful.

“I know this wasn’t the Christmas you had planned but… I liked it,” he offered tentatively.

Ronan knocked his shoulder into Adam’s. “Yeah. Turned out pretty fucking okay actually.”

“You know, i saw you last Christmas.”

Ronan stopped short on the sidewalk. “You did?”

“Yeah. At St. Agnes.” He motioned with his head that they should keep walking. It was easier to talk when he couldn’t see Ronan’s face. Or more like when Ronan couldn’t see his. Once Ronan joined him at his side and they’d started walking he continued. “I lived in the apartment above the church offices my senior year. I’d gotten emancipated and was on my own. I’d spent the whole break finishing up the last of my college applications and working at my three jobs. Christmas morning I was… lonely I guess. I mean it was a thousand times better than when I lived with my folks but still. I heard the singing and came down during mass, sat in the back. I just wanted to be around people who were celebrating, you know? I figured no one would mind. I saw you sitting with your brothers a few rows in front of me.”

He chanced a glance over at Ronan’s face. He looked pissed.

“What? What’s that face for?”

“It’s just… fuck.” Ronan spat and Adam scrambled to figure out what he’d said wrong. “We lived in the same town our whole lives,” Ronan continued. “We attended the same goddamn high school. You lived above the church I attended every Sunday. Last Christmas I was fucking miserable. I had my brothers but…God. I was lonely too.” He heaved a huge sigh and continued in a lower voice. “I just can’t help but wonder how different things could’ve been if we’d found each other sooner, you know?”

“Yeah. Yeah I wonder that too.”


	6. December 26

The next morning Adam cooked breakfast for the both of them which led to the now predictable banter. _‘Back off Lynch, I can scramble an egg.’ ‘You sure about that? Looks more like you’re murdering it’._ As they ate they worked out that they wouldn’t see much of each other the next week. Adam was working days, Ronan nights. It therefore shouldn’t have surprised him too much that Ronan showed up at the bookstore that afternoon.

The place was mostly empty which is how Adam usually preferred it. He was able to sit at the counter and do homework or read or daydream. When the little bell above the door jingled announcing a new patron Adam stifled his irritation before looking up. He had to immediately look back to his book again to hide the stupid grin that he couldn’t quite school away. 

Ronan sauntered over and lifted his book off the table with one finger so he could read the cover. “God, you’re still such a nerd,” he teased, as he let the heavy tome flop back down.

“Still? You’ve known me for like a week.”

“Are you forgetting the god forsaken, uptight high school we both attended?”

“I’m not sure what you did there could qualify as attending. Besides, we hardly knew each other at Aglionby."

“Come on, Parrish! We had English and Latin together junior year.”

"You hardly came to English and you pretty much just glared at me all through Latin.”

“I didn’t glare at you.”

“You looked at me for long stretches of time with an angry scowl on your face. Pretty sure that is the exact definition of a glare.”

“Pssh.” Ronan scowled even harder which only served to egg Adam on.

“You didn’t like that I was challenging your status as best in that class.”

“That’s not why I was looking at you.”

“Glaring,” Adam corrected. “You were jealous of my conjugating abilities."

“Fuck off, that’s not why.”

“Then why?”

“I liked your face, okay? Jesus.”

Adam’s mouth dropped open. Ronan turned a bright shade of pink and rubbed one hand on the back of his neck, not making eye contact. Adam spent several long moments rearranging his perception of every interaction he’d had with Ronan in high school.

“Fuck.” Ronan shook himself out of his embarrassment and glanced around the shop. “Do you have any books about like, cooking or something interesting in this boring ass store?”

Adam felt bad for continuing to tease Ronan but he couldn’t really help himself. “Like…. cookbooks?”

Ronan just glared.

“Yeah. Over there by the self-help section.”

Other shoppers came in and Adam had to stay at the counter. He still had a straight shot view of Ronan browsing in the cooking section which he took advantage of for embarrassingly long periods of time. He felt Ronan’s eyes on him more than once as well.

Ronan slipped out about an hour later as Adam was finishing up with another customer. Adam chased him out onto the sidewalk.

“Hey Lynch,” he called from the doorway. “See you later?”

Ronan stopped and turned, an uncharacteristically shy smile on his lips. “Yeah. See you at home, Parrish.”

Adam retreated back into the store but couldn’t quite keep the smile from his own face for the rest of the day.

That night, Adam had a hard time sleeping. When he heard Ronan come in at 2 am, he emerged from Gansey’s room to find him sprawled out on the couch.

“What are you doing?” Adam asked.

“Just watching some shit tv. Takes me a while to wind down after the kitchen.”

Adam hummed sleepily. Without thinking too much about it he went to sit next to him, close enough that he could absorb some of his body heat. The next thing he knew Ronan was nudging his leg. “Wake up, loser.” 

Adam sat up groggily, barely registering that he’d fallen asleep on Ronan’s shoulder. The tv show had ended so he’d been there at least an hour. He couldn’t find it in himself to be sorry or embarrassed. 

Without either of them acknowledging it out loud, they developed a dorky, domestic routine for the rest of that week. Breakfast together each morning with a side order of snark; Ronan invading Adam’s space each afternoon at the bookstore; Adam invading Ronan’s space each night on the couch.

It’s not like Adam didn’t think about kissing Ronan again. He did. Often. There were several times that he came pretty close, but he always refrained at the last moment. It wasn’t that he was afraid of fucking it up again. Or it wasn’t _just_ that. (There was some comfort in the fact that it couldn’t go much worse than the first time.) It was the question Ronan had asked him after that kept echoing in his skull. _Why? Why did you kiss me when you hardly knew me?_ There were a hundred reasons he could give. _You’re beautiful. We’re both adults. We’re also both horny teenagers. We’re both clearly attracted to one another and we’re trapped together in the same apartment. _

But, Adam knew that none of those answers were the truth. Not the whole one anyway. Not to the question Ronan was really asking. And Adam wasn’t sure he had the answer to that just yet. And if he did, he wasn’t quite ready to face it.


	7. December 31.... and ever after

By the time New Year’s Eve rolled around, a few of Adam’s friends had returned to campus. The dorms were open and technically Adam could’ve moved back in too. But he’d told Gansey he’d stay until the first and what was the rush really? He did agree to go to a party that night with some of his college friends. Ronan, coincidentally, was working anyway.

The party wasn’t bad. Small enough that he knew most of the people there, at least casually, and not too crowded or loud. And it was good to see his friends but…If Adam was being honest with himself, his heart wasn’t in it. 

He slipped out just before midnight when he couldn’t ignore his restlessness any longer. He knew if he thought about it even a little, he could put a name to the disquiet he felt. Which is why he avoided thinking about it at all. He just walked. 

He walked across the quiet campus, passing groups of rowdy students celebrating the new year. He passed through the adjacent commercial area and heard snippets of laughter and music coming from the bars. He crossed the river, wide and black and silent. He passed block after block of tall brick building with elegant entries and shining bay windows. Without really meaning to he found himself in the alley behind Ronan’s restaurant. 

He’d walked for well over an hour in shoes and clothes more suited for a party than for trekking across the city in the dead of winter. But he forgot about the chill in his bones and the blister on his heel the moment he caught sight of Ronan through the open back door. Ronan’s eyes flicked up from the pan he was holding to catch Adam staring at him almost immediately. He wiped his hands on a towel and crossed over to him with a sharp grin on his face.

“Hey Parrish.” 

“Hey.” Adam scrambled for an excuse for showing up out of the blue. “The party was kind of a bust,” he lied.

“Okay. I still have another hour here or so.”

“Okay.” Adam nodded and was about to say he’d see him back at the flat but Ronan interrupted.

“Wanna come in and wait? Restaurant’s closed. We’re just cleaning up.”

So Adam found himself once again sitting on one of the counters blissfully watching Ronan work. This time there were a dozen other people there but Adam didn’t mind at all. He was given the gift of a glimpse into the world that Ronan loved so much.

About ten minutes in, the head chef came in from the dining room. He looked Adam over and turned to Ronan.

“New boyfriend, Ronan? What’s Gansey have to say about that?”

“Fuck off. Gansey was never my boyfriend and you know it.” Ronan scoffed without any heat, then glanced furtively at Adam, realizing he’d denied the wrong part of the question. “This is just Adam,” he grumbled through his blush.

“Hi ‘just Adam’, I’m Antonio.” He shook his hand and then winked gleefully, clearly as much of a fan of making Ronan blush as Adam - although for presumably different reasons.

On the way back to the flat they come upon an electric scooter - the kind you can rent with an app on your phone. Adam walked right by it but Ronan stopped and lifted it off the sidewalk, a wicked gleam in his eye. Before Adam knew what was happening, Ronan had downloaded the app and with a few more taps on his phone, a green light appeared on the scooter. Adam shook his head. “Come on Lynch, it’s late. I’m tired.”

Ronan ignored him, hopping on the scooter and testing out the controls. Adam turned and started walking towards the flat only to have Ronan buzz up beside him a minute later.

“Come on Parrish, hop on.” Adam continued walking. “You said your were tired. This will get us home so much faster.”

Adam stopped. It did look pretty fun. “How am I supposed to fit on that with you?”

“Just step on behind me.” As if it was that easy. But Adam gave in. It required several attempts, a semi-running start, and Adam wrapping his arms around Ronan and pressing his whole body against him. It turned out to be pretty okay.

Ronan, of course, was a goddamned daredevil. They made it almost all the way home at a speed that made Adam’s heart race like he was a kid on a rollercoaster. Then, inevitably, Ronan took a bump too fast and they both pinwheeled onto the concrete. 

“Fuck Adam. Are you okay?” Ronan huffed from a few feet away on the sidewalk.

Adam, curled on his side on the cold ground could only laugh in a way that he maybe never had before.“You’re a maniac you know that?”

Ronan grinned and pulled himself up. He offered Adam his hand to pull him up too. Once he was standing Adam hissed in pain. The heels of his palms were all scraped up from the fall.

Instead of releasing his hands Ronan tugged them closer to inspect them. “Shit,” he breathed. Ronan brushed his thumb over them tenderly, his head bowed close to Adam’s. Adam was overwhelmed at how _Ronan_ a moment it was. Reckless and wild one second. Careful and tender the next. The fond revelation bubbled up inside of him and he laughed again.

Ronan looked up quickly, clearly trying to decipher Adam’s laugh. He must not have liked what he saw because a cloud crossed over his face. He brushed past Adam and walked briskly the last block to the apartment. Adam could barely keep up. Once inside the flat Ronan barreled down the hall.

“Ronan. God, wait. Where are you going?”

“Need a shower,” Ronan said gruffly, flinging open the door to his bedroom.

Adam, confused and desperate, followed him in. He entered the bedroom just as Ronan was peeling off his shirt.

“The fuck, Parrish?” He snarled, his arms still tangled in the sleeves.

“Why are you mad at me?”

“I'm not.”

“Bullshit.”

Ronan looked away, maybe a bit pissed. “I don’t lie. I'm not mad I'm… fuck I'm hurt I guess. Ok?”

Adam froze. That was not the response he anticipated. 

Ronan turned away embarrassed, pulling his shirt back on as if it could hide what he was feeling, what he’d just said.

“What did I do?” Adam asked, scared of knowing but more scared of not.

“Fuck, Adam.”

“Tell me. Please. I'm terrible at this stuff. Tell me what I did. Tell me what you want.”

Ronan sat down on the edge of his bed, ran a hand over the back of his head. He stalled for several more long moments before he heaved a big sigh. “Why haven’t you kissed me again?”

Well, if Ronan could evade the question then it was only fair that Adam could too. He leaned against the desk across from Ronan. “It went so well the first time…”

Ronan lifted his head to meet his eyes and just stared him down.

Adam huffed out a sigh. “You asked for an explanation after last time. I don’t have one yet.”

“You’re a fucking genius for God’s sake. How has something as simple as this stumped you?”

“This isn’t simple.”

Ronan looked back down at his hands. “It should be.”

“If it’s so simple why didn’t you just kiss me?”

“Because! Because I do need that explanation. I don’t want to just be some dude you kissed over break before you go back to your real life at Harvard. Just because we were stuck together for a week or two.”

“That’s not why I kissed you.”

”Then why… just tell me.”

“God. I don’t know!” He couldn’t look at Ronan directly. “I kissed you because I like you. Because I like how I feel when we’re together. Because I like myself better when i’m with you.” Adam was breathing quickly, his face flushed, but he finally found the courage to look back at Ronan. Ronan stood slowly and came to stand just in front of him, an unreadable expression on his face.

“Is that all?” he asked gruffly.

Adam was still so flustered. “No. Yes. I don’t know. Isn’t that enough?”

Ronan stepped between his knees, looked him in the eye for a long moment.”That’s enough.”

Then Ronan kissed him.

The last kiss had been rushed and sudden and terrible. This one was the opposite in every way. It was slow and tender and perfect.

Ronan pulled away first, his eyes still closed, his forehead resting on Adam’s. They breathed the same air for several long moments. Adam’s brain had gone white. He wasn’t processing anything but the feel of Ronan’s thumb on his cheek, the press of their bodies together.

“I still need that shower,” Ronan murmured, as if sensing that Adam needed some time to process it all.

Adam just nodded.

“I'll be right back,” Ronan assured.

Adam took several deep breaths, willing his fuzzy brain to kick back into gear. What had just happened? What did it mean? 

He was pretty sure he’d just convinced Ronan to take a chance on him. He knew intrinsically that Ronan wasn’t interested in a casual relationship. That the question he’d been asking Adam for the past ten days was ‘are you serious about this’. Was he? Did he have any right to ask Ronan to trust him, to _know_ him when he didn’t even know himself? 

He rubbed a hand over his eyes, his elbow hitting an open box perched on the desk next to him. It was filled with framed photographs, set vertically in the box, one leaning on the next. He remembered that Ronan had been juggling that box in his arms the first night he returned from the Barns. Adam tilted his head to see the front one. It was a photo of a farm house with fields stretched all around it, a few structures tucked into the hills behind it. The Barns. Adam tilted it forward so he could see the next photo in the stack. Ronan and Gansey at maybe 15, arms slung over each others shoulders, both sporting wide grins that Adam was sure he hadn’t seen on either of them since. The next photo was of Ronan as a kid, surrounded by his family. His hair was long and dark and curly, and the whole family radiated love in their carefree faces..

He pulled the photo out and sat on the edge of Ronan’s bed to study it further.

What Adam saw in those photos was Ronan’s capacity for love and also, all that he’d lost. The longer he stared at the picture the more clear it became. Despite the mask Ronan put on for the world, despite the incredible pain it caused him, he was made to love, to be loved. 

Adam… wasn’t. 

But god he wanted it. And maybe… maybe he hadn’t been born that way, or raised that way, but maybe he could evolve into it. 

Maybe he already had.

Ronan came back in but hovered in the doorway silently. Adam set down the picture and looked up at him. For once Adam could read his expression easily. The desperate want and the accompanying terror that he felt were perfectly mirrored on Ronan’s face.

Adam reached out his hand and when Ronan took it, he tugged him to sit down next to him. Ronan did, pressed firmly against his side, and kept Adam’s hand in his to play with his fingers.

“Why did _you_ kiss _me_,” Adam asked, voice soft in the quiet room.

“Because I like you. Because I like how I feel when we’re together. Because I like myself better when I’m with you.”

“That’s cheating.”

“Not if it’s true.”

Adam wanted to argue. He wanted to say, _‘but you don’t know how broken I am. You don’t realize how difficult I can be,’_ but he stopped himself. If it had been enough for Ronan, it had to be enough for him as well.

So Adam kissed him, again. And Ronan kissed him back. Again and again and again.

Adam pulled away first, pleased that Ronan was clearly as breathless and wrecked as he was. He was unsure about what should happen next.

“It’s late,” Ronan murmured. And it was. It had to be close to 4 am. “Stay here with me? Just… just to sleep?” 

Adam brushed his thumb over the blush on Ronan’s cheek as he’d wanted to for weeks. “Okay.”

Adam woke with his nose smushed against Ronan’s collar bone, their legs tangled together. Ronan’s arm was around his shoulders and he was already awake.

Adam pulled away enough to be able to see his face but not enough to dislodge a single point of contact.

“I think I snotted on your shirt,” he admitted groggily. He maybe had never slept so well in his life.

“And drooled. And snored louder than an actual chainsaw. My bird is fucking jealous.” His tone was so incredibly fond that Adam couldn’t be embarrassed in the slightest.

Adam felt almost drunk: on the way the morning sunlight danced across the angles on Ronan’s face; on the sizzling warmth at every place their bodies touched; at the steady beat of Ronan’s heart against his; at how _sure_ he felt that everything was right.

The only source of disquiet was in Ronan’s tentative expression. Adam tried to smooth it away with his fingers.

“So what happens now?” Ronan asked.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean Gansey’s coming home today. You’re going back to your dorm, your classes, your whole over-achieving nerd life.”

“Yeah?”

“So like… are you going to have time for the high school dropout you hooked up with over the break?” His words sounded forcefully casual but he couldn’t hide it in his posture, in the way he was looking at Adam.

Adam took a deep breath. “If you mean my hot, future chef, _boyfriend_ then yeah, I’ll be making as much time for him as possible.” The sharp, genuine smile and furious blush on Ronan’s face made Adam’s heart soar. Still he couldn’t help but tease a little. “But if you mean all the other people i hooked up with over the break, well - I haven’t decided about them yet.”

“You little fucker!” Ronan surged forward and wrestled him down onto the bed. Adam was laughing too hard to defend himself. He let himself be pinned to the mattress, his arms over his head and Ronan looming above him. 

Eventually he stopped laughing but he was still grinning like an idiot. “Drive me back to the dorms today?” he asked. He was tempted to explain why he was requesting that favor. _Because I want to show you off. Because I want you to see this other part of me. My school, my dorm, my friends. Because I want you to know all of me_. 

Ronan looked down at him as if he could read his thoughts. “Yeah, okay,” he shrugged. 


End file.
